Hope Undeterred

Sometimes words don't come easily. Like when someone asks me how I'm doing. My brain races trying to catch tumbleweed thoughts in my head that my heart blows elsewhere. They become out of reach somehow. Fast. Scared to answer wrong, I choose silence instead. If I feel hopeful, maybe I shouldn't? What's normal in a chaotic state? What should or shouldn't I feel??

Numb. I feel numb. I feel sad. But I can still smile. I still have hope for the future. Not all is dark, black, sullied or soiled. The sun's rays peak through. Grace's wings carry me. Should I let them? I feel guilty. Sometimes. All emotions jumbled together like vegetables in a stew. Which ones are right? Which ones are edible? No easy answers. Sometimes I feel overcooked. Sometimes I feel undone. I'm caught between here and now and then and there. It's confusing. Sometimes.

Alone. I don't like being alone. My neighbor reminds me "There are worse things than being lonely." I guess. Right now I can't think of any. His hand out of reach, his voice no longer within earshot, his clothes in our closet hanging still that will no longer be worn. By him.

Someone catch me as I fall.

I must remind myself I'm never truly alone. I'm really not. I draw on His strength to comfort, to guide, to lead me beside still waters. I will learn to swim again. Right now I just feel the waves crashing down. But I also feel something else. Something stirring inside, slow like a whirlpool. Like stars on a foggy night, hope is still alive even if I can't see it. Even if my eyes are clouded with tears. Hope is still alive.

I feel hopeful. And that's OK.

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The Only One

The Macy's salesperson approaches me, "May I help you find something?" I quietly answer, "I'm looking for a black skirt." I reluctantly grab two sizes, one will fit, but both will feel uncomfortable. I don't wear black very often. I'm a white-wearer person. I have no choice. The funeral is tomorrow. I must face what I don't want to face, his face. Lying all still and silent. Unmoved.

They say one makes 5,000 choices a day. I have many to make and none of them seem right. Everything seems wrong and the world looms dark like tar and my new black skirt.

I open the dressing room door, "How do I look?" I ask my sister-in-law who smiles and answers, "Very pretty." I don't feel pretty. Eyes swollen red. Puffy. I want to leave this place as quickly as possible. I wonder if my husband felt the same.

Everything about the week seems hard. The first time home, the first time sleeping in our bed, the first time visiting the funeral home, the first time seeing him, the first time touching him since he lay quiet.

The oak coffin looks heavy. My heart weighs more. I adjust his wedding ring so the tiny diamonds show. He looks peaceful. Flower scents drown the air. My lungs expand to breathe the pretty, the beautiful, the whole. Breathe. I must remember to breathe. It's difficult. Today is a day for brokenness. Dark and heavy, not light-filled and floral scented.

I kiss his dry lips that I will kiss no more. I touch his arm, his hair, his cheek trying to soak him in as best I can one last time before he's truly gone. My tears drip on his light blue shirt. A part of me goes with him.

The funeral is sweet, but not without sour. Surreal is underrated. Our love story isn't supposed to end this way. I grab the Kleenex box. Tears roll, shoulders shake, hands clasp. Ones I love are near, but far. No one truly can understand the pain I feel.

Except One.

He is right beside me. The only One who truly knows my pain. Jesus. The One who took the sin of the world upon his own weary shoulders. His heart weeps for me like it wept for Lazarus, his dear friend. I must not forget. I am never alone. 

Tomorrow is another day and His grace will guide and comfort. It already has through the hands and feet of friends and family. Tangible Jesus to me.

He comforts me through Romans 8:28. It's read at the funeral, it's in my daily devotion for that day and it's the same words two unfamiliar faces read to me in my home a few days afterward.

Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I will never forget these heart wrenching days, but I will go on. I will draw day-by-day strength from the One, the only One, who promises to deliver. I will weep upon his shoulders and drip tears upon his pure white robe. 

I love the color white.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

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The Red Sea Rules

This summer I've joined a Bible study called "The Red Sea Rules" (by Robert J. Morgan) with other women struggling with some area in their life. My issue right now is my husband's health. He has been feeling unwell for about six months now. What makes it even more frustrating is the doctors can't figure out exactly what's wrong.

This study has been helping me focus on "10 God-given strategies for difficult times" and I wanted to share them with you. If you aren't experiencing a difficult situation right now,  maybe you know someone who is. Or hold tight to these rules next time you feel boxed in with no where to turn. Remember God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites when they felt cornered by Pharaoh and his powerful Egyptian army? He can part that same Red Sea for you and me!

Red Sea Rule #1: Realize that God means for you to be where you are.
Red Sea Rule #2: Be more concerned for God's glory than for your relief.

Red Sea Rule #3: Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord.
Red Sea Rule #4: Pray!

Red Sea Rule #5: Stay calm and confident, and give God time to work.
Red Sea Rule #6: When unsure, just take the next logical step by faith.
Red Sea Rule #7: Envision God's enveloping presence.
Red Sea Rule #8: Trust God to deliver in His own unique way.
Red Sea Rule #9: View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future.
Red Sea Rule #10: Don't forget to praise Him.

From Page 72: "When you find yourself between sword and sea, remember that difficult times can sensitize us to God's nearness. He's never so close as when we're shipwrecked on omnipotence and driven by despair into His chambers where we find Him 'a very present help in trouble.' " (Psalm  46:1).

I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:19.)


You made a way through the sea and paths through the deep waters, but your footprints were not seen. You led your people like a flock by using Moses and Aaron. (Psalm 77:19-20.)


You must not fear them, for the Lord your God Himself fights for you. (Deut. 3:22.)


The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:14.)


Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. (Exodus 14:21-22.)

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A Holy Life Leads to a Happy Life

My former Bible study leaders used to  describe JOY using this acronymn: J-esus, O-thers, Y-ou. In our world today it seems most people focus on themselves FIRST, others SECOND and Jesus LAST. That's totally backwards from what the Bible teaches. Maybe that's why some of us walk around carrying the world on our shoulders. That's not God's loving desire for us.

Recently I read an article listing the 15 things we need to give up in order to live a happier life. I liked what was listed, but I wanted to give it a more Biblical slant, so I commented and added Scripture to support each point.

1. Give up your need to always be right.

Pastor David Whitehead comments: This Scripture encapsulates the entire story of Joseph. After being sold into slavery by his brothers, taking false charges of rape and enduring years in a dungeon, Joseph has every right to want revenge on his brothers. instead, he sees that God used his circumstances to stage the greatest hunger relief program of the ancient world. 

There are many things we are suffering in now that, when we look back, we will see the sovereign hand of God guiding us.

Genesis 15:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good."

2. Give up your need for control. God knows what's best for us. Let's not resist His work in our lives. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Galatians 6:5 "For each one should carry his OWN load." Take responsibility for your actions. You can't control others, you can only control yourself.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk.  "Act the way you want to be and soon you'll be the way you act." - Les Brown. 

Deuteronomy 7:6 "For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

Phil 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy---think about such things."

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

Mark 9:23 " 'If you can?' said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

Romans 8:37 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

6. Give up complaining.  Phil. 2:14: "Do everything without complaining or arguing" 

7. Give up your need to impress others.  Romans 12:2-3  "Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God.

8. Give up the luxury of criticism. Although difficult, we must try not to have a critical spirit. Remember, we're all just trying to do the best we can.  Matthew 7:1"Do not judge lest you be judged."


Romans 12:10: "Love one another with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."

9. Give up your resistance to change. Life would be pretty boring without change: With winter, comes spring. With night, comes day. With death, comes life. 


Eph 4:22-24 tells us "that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. 

1 Corintians 15:51 "Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed--"

1 Corinthians 15:52 "in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed."

That's one change I'm definitely looking forward to!

10. Give up labels. We've heard it said: don't judge a book by its cover. Treat everyone the same. Galatians 3:28 says:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 2:3:  

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3-4: "In humility consider others better than yourselves."

11. Give up on your fears. 1 Timothy 1:7 "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." 

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.

“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Yes, we have freedom in Christ but that doesn't give us an excuse to sin, since we know we'll be forgiven. Instead, we must strive to be all Christ wants us to be because of the enormous sacrifice He made to shower His grace upon us. Romans 12:1-2 "I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world,but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."


Galatians 5:13:

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

13. Give up the past.  John 8:32: For you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. 

John 15:19 

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.

This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations.  Romans 8:31-32 tells us "If God is for us, who can be against us?" When Job fell into various life trials, his wife encouraged him to curse God and die. Job was wise enough to realize he is not one to question God's ways. 

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

Are you a man pleaser, or God pleaser?

Which do you find most difficult to do? i find not complaining the most difficult.

CHALLENGE: let's try to do this for ONE WEEK and see how we feel afterward! Are you up for the challenge? I am! :-)

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Extreme Makeover

unwanted. unloved. unworthy.

Rejected.

I used to feel this way.

All because I let others define me. When they weighed my worth, the scale was always in their favor and I was viewed as a deficit. I never measured up. Trying to earn their love was like trying to lasso the moon. Futile, but I didn't know; I was just a child. So I kept slinging that rope---trying different tactics, different strategies, different angles---but, of course, nothing worked and never would. It was impossible, but I didn't know. I figured it was my fault when I was flogged after every failed attempt, so I kept trying harder and harder and harder to lasso that forever evasive moon. I needed to prove my love so I wouldn't be rejected by the love I thought I needed most. But I always failed. It was hopeless.

Thus I grew up feeling like a tumbledown barn---splintered on every side---about to implode, crumble and bury myself beneath moonbeams.

despaired. defeated. dispensable. discarded. dismissed. devalued. depressed. disowned. disheartened. dejected.

SLICE. DICE. SPLICE.

At some point we've all experienced the painful sword of rejection stabbing us with its brutal blade. (Some of us more than others.) Whether it's in the form of a pink slip, a returned ring, a failed grade, a deformity scoffed, a parent's neglect, a teacher's jab, a skipped promotion, an absent father, a sister's slander, a brother's betrayal, a vow broken, a cold shoulder, a belt's bruise, a schoolmate's snub, an abandoned bassinet, a barren womb...

Maybe an alcoholic, workaholic or rageaholic raised you... Or perhaps your sister was the talented, pretty and scholarly one... Maybe your bank account, square footage or Friend's List didn't tally up...

Rejection, in whatever form, chops a heart like ax to log. 

Satan's deepest wound is rejection's arrow piercing our heart. Because he was ostracized from Heaven and knows his reign on earth is short term, his goal is to project his rejection onto mankind as fervently as he can, while he can. Especially women. Why? Because we by nature are nurturing. If he can wound life bearers, causing them to reject their offspring, then generations upon generations will be limping on crutches forever scarred. Meanwhile, Satan will hammock swing, sip his Red Devil and revel in all the chaos he created.

Satan thrives on chaos.

I love the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition where designers perform jaw-dropping makeovers on someone's outdated home. As an artist myself, I love taking something old and transforming it into something new. It's more valuable to me than any tagged item for sale at Macy's. Mainly because I can patiently and lovingly restore it or possibly increase its original value. For example...

Does this wicker furniture look beautiful to you? Does it appear valuable? Is it still useful? Or should it be overlooked, forsaken and tossed in a junkyard?

What about now? 

Before I purchased this shabby-looking furniture, I noticed the label and discovered this is a Henry Lane, quality, built-to-last brand of wicker furniture. After realizing its value outweighed the asking price---and envisioning its beautiful transformation after a few coats of paint, new upholstery and a little TLC---I snatched it up without hesitation.

Do you realize your own value, worth and beauty? Do you look in the mirror and see shabby, dirty and discarded or Priceless, Perfect and Precious?

Do you see beautiful?

What label are you wearing?

Is it time for a wardrobe change? Is it time to adjust the aperture on your heart's lens? Is it time to rebuild the barn?

If you don't know how let the Master Carpenter show you.

Notice I started this post with 'I USED to feel unwanted, unloved and unworthy.' REJECTED. But now? Now I feel Priceless, Perfect and Precious because God says I am.

The opposite of rejection is acceptance. How do we move from feelings of rejection to the joy of acceptance? We accept God's overwhelming love for us.

Satan can try to force feed me his poisonous lies---pointing out all my failures, flaws and faux pas---but I refuse to swallow. I only focus and feast on the truth now. The truth that tells me: You knit me together... I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I am a precious jewel (Malachi 3:17). Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, [she] is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I absolutely, without a doubt, am a new creation because of Him!

Let's shed, scorn and scorch old junkyard duds and worn out labels of 'unwanted, unloved and unworthy' and clothe ourselves, instead, in our Designer's truth. We are Priceless, Perfect and Precious. God says we are because of Jesus and our faith in Him. We may not always feel it, but that's OK. Our feelings may change, but the facts don't and never will. The truth is the truth.

Never again will you be called 'The Forsaken City' or 'The Desolate Land.' Your new name will be 'The City of God's Delight' and 'The Bride of God,' for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as His bride (Isaiah 62:4)

Thank you, Lord, for your truth, which counteracts lies and restores broken hearts to wholeness.

Thank you for your transformation.

Thank you for your restoration.

Thank you for your beautification.

I'm sure the rejection I endured growing up made me the compassionate, sympathetic and loving person I am today.

If for that fact alone, I am grateful.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up and adopt me as His child (Psalm 27:10).

Keep me as the apple of Your eye, hide me in the shadow or Your wings (Psalm 17:8).

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