Hope Undeterred

Sometimes words don't come easily. Like when someone asks me how I'm doing. My brain races trying to catch tumbleweed thoughts in my head that my heart blows elsewhere. They become out of reach somehow. Fast. Scared to answer wrong, I choose silence instead. If I feel hopeful, maybe I shouldn't? What's normal in a chaotic state? What should or shouldn't I feel??

Numb. I feel numb. I feel sad. But I can still smile. I still have hope for the future. Not all is dark, black, sullied or soiled. The sun's rays peak through. Grace's wings carry me. Should I let them? I feel guilty. Sometimes. All emotions jumbled together like vegetables in a stew. Which ones are right? Which ones are edible? No easy answers. Sometimes I feel overcooked. Sometimes I feel undone. I'm caught between here and now and then and there. It's confusing. Sometimes.

Alone. I don't like being alone. My neighbor reminds me "There are worse things than being lonely." I guess. Right now I can't think of any. His hand out of reach, his voice no longer within earshot, his clothes in our closet hanging still that will no longer be worn. By him.

Someone catch me as I fall.

I must remind myself I'm never truly alone. I'm really not. I draw on His strength to comfort, to guide, to lead me beside still waters. I will learn to swim again. Right now I just feel the waves crashing down. But I also feel something else. Something stirring inside, slow like a whirlpool. Like stars on a foggy night, hope is still alive even if I can't see it. Even if my eyes are clouded with tears. Hope is still alive.

I feel hopeful. And that's OK.

Posted in: Daily Living,Karen,Relationships