Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Only One

The Macy's salesperson approaches me, "May I help you find something?" I quietly answer, "I'm looking for a black skirt." I reluctantly grab two sizes, one will fit, but both will feel uncomfortable. I don't wear black very often. I'm a white-wearer person. I have no choice. The funeral is tomorrow. I must face what I don't want to face, his face. Lying all still and silent. Unmoved.

They say one makes 5,000 choices a day. I have many to make and none of them seem right. Everything seems wrong and the world looms dark like tar and my new black skirt.

I open the dressing room door, "How do I look?" I ask my sister-in-law who smiles and answers, "Very pretty." I don't feel pretty. Eyes swollen red. Puffy. I want to leave this place as quickly as possible. I wonder if my husband felt the same.

Everything about the week seems hard. The first time home, the first time sleeping in our bed, the first time visiting the funeral home, the first time seeing him, the first time touching him since he lay quiet.

The oak coffin looks heavy. My heart weighs more. I adjust his wedding ring so the tiny diamonds show. He looks peaceful. Flower scents drown the air. My lungs expand to breathe the pretty, the beautiful, the whole. Breathe. I must remember to breathe. It's difficult. Today is a day for brokenness. Dark and heavy, not light-filled and floral scented.
I kiss his dry lips that I will kiss no more. I touch his arm, his hair, his cheek trying to soak him in as best I can one last time before he's truly gone. My tears drip on his light blue shirt. A part of me goes with him.

The funeral is sweet, but not without sour. Surreal is underrated. Our love story isn't supposed to end this way. I grab the Kleenex box. Tears roll, shoulders shake, hands clasp. Ones I love are near, but far. No one truly can understand the pain I feel.

Except One.

He is right beside me. The only One who truly knows my pain. Jesus. The One who took the sin of the world upon his own weary shoulders. His heart weeps for me like it wept for Lazarus, his dear friend. I must not forget. I am never alone. 

Tomorrow is another day and His grace will guide and comfort. It already has through the hands and feet of friends and family. Tangible Jesus to me.

He comforts me through Romans 8:28. It's read at the funeral, it's in my daily devotion for that day and it's the same words two unfamiliar faces read to me in my home a few days afterward.

Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I will never forget these heart wrenching days, but I will go on. I will draw day-by-day strength from the One, the only One, who promises to deliver. I will weep upon his shoulders and drip tears upon his pure white robe. 

I love the color white.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

10 Spout:

There are no words. This is beautiful, karen. Praying God holds you close when the world feels too big.

So beautiful! I can't imagine your pain. You express it poignantly here. I pray that God's peace and presence fills you during the dark and lonely moments.

Beautiful, Karen. Praying...XO

Beautifully written of pain so raw. I could not help but literally feel your pain. I have known loss of someone dearly loved - it wasn't a husband though, a grandfather dearly loved - my shoulders shook, my eyes swollen from producing too many tears and I could not stop the sobbing. It was the first time I lost someone close.

From what you've penned, I can now know what you are going through ... and my heart aches. No. It breaks.

When we are married, a part of that plan is to grow old together. To raise children together. To one day enjoy grandchildren together. It breaks my heart that you've been robbed of that.

I pray that the precious memories you shared together will bring some level of comfort as you rely on the One who came to heal the brokenhearted, Who said He'd never leave us.

You are loved.

Karen, your words had me in tears. You walk us back to being there to watch each of the very difficult firsts and the lasts that you had to walk through alone. No matter how many surrounded you, you had to go through it alone, except for One; the One who will continue for days, weeks and years to come, to make good things out of a sad and hard thing. I have heard you say 3 times already that it wasn't supposed to be like this. With the Hope in Your heart, this end will also be a beginning....Love you--and you are an amazing woman.

Thank you for sharing such raw, terribly real-life words that remind me of my utter need for God. With deep care and love.

Thanks for sharing Karen. God bless you. Praying for you and Austin.

Thinking of you every day. This is beautiful and sad at the same time.

Life is an amazing thing both beautiful and awful.
your word are beautiful despite the situation, the loss. God will be there for you and so will your friends! bless you always!

Beautiful Karen. I love you.

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